Honouring Your Sexual Boundaries
By Megan Svarich-Knights, MSW, RSW
January 24, 2021
Notice what happens in your body as you read the following situations. Imagine I offered you an all-inclusive, all-expenses paid (COVID-safe) trip to Disney Land right now. What would your reaction be? Aw heck yes! Absolutely! (most likely)
What feelings came up in your body?
Now imagine for a moment that I invite you to come out for coffee with me this afternoon. Maybe. Depending on the day, you might say:
- I want to do that with you, but I have plans this afternoon. Can we wait until tomorrow?
- I’d love to see you, but I don’t drink coffee. ‘want to go to the park instead?
- I guess I could do that, but I kind of wanted to watch a movie alone this afternoon.
- I want to do that with you, but with COVID right now it’s just not safe. Want to have a virtual coffee instead?
What feelings came up in your body?
Third and last scene: imagine you are on a rollercoaster, and I am controlling it. I flip you upside down and around in circles. I hear you screaming, and I laugh. Maybe I think you’re having fun; maybe I think you might not be, but I don’t think anything more about it. Maybe I’m deliberately trying to make you sick. Maybe I’m drunk and not even aware you’re on the ride. In any case, I’m not checking in: I’m just doing what I want to do.
What feelings came up in your body?
Consent should feel like Disney Land (or a safari on Kilimanjaro, or anything that you really want to do). It should feel like: Aw heck yes! I want to do that! It might not be exactly how you imagined it: maybe you can’t find Daffy Duck this time, or the lines are longer than you hoped they would be, or your Mickey Mouse ears are just a bit too tight on your head, but you’re still super excited to be there.
And the person you came with is also super excited to be there. They are laughing and smiling and telling you how excited they are with their words and with their body. And you keep checking in: do you want to do Splash Mountain? or Pirates of the Carribean? Do you think It’s a Small World is creepy? Are you hungry? Do you want to take a break? We’ve been in this line for a while, are you still into this? When do you want to go home?
And when you’re not excited anymore, you can leave.
Even if it’s the middle of the planned trip.
Even if it’s in the middle of a ride.
Even if your partner is still excited (they can totally go on Splash Mountain by themselves).
Consent can be tricky. It requires communication, and it also requires us to have the ability to check in with ourselves and to honestly ask ourselves, do I want this?
Check in with yourself regularly to stay connected with how you are feeling:
When they put their hand there, does it feel like Disneyland?
Am I trying to convince myself that I want this?
Does it feel like Disneyland when they do this, but like a rollercoaster when they do that?
Am I having any fears right now?
Did this feel like Disneyland a minute ago? Because now I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and I can’t get off?
Is my partner in Disneyland too? How can I check in with them? Am I listening?
Remember:
- If you’re trying to convince yourself that you want it, then it’s not Disneyland.
- Even if it felt like Disneyland yesterday, it it doesn’t today, then it is not Disneyland.
- Even if this is someone you go to Disneyland with a lot, if you don’t want to today, then it’s not Disneyland.
If you want to go to It’s a Small World, but they’re pressuring you to go to Splash Mountain, then it’s not Disneyland (that’s more like a rollercoaster). If they want to try the Tea Cups, and you don’t have a strong feeling about it either way and you decide to try it, then that could maybe be Disneyland, but it could maybe be a rollercoaster. Once you’re in the teacup, check in with yourself: does this feel like Disneyland? If yes, then awesome: you’re in Disneyland! If not, tell your partner, and get off the ride. It's always okay, at any time, to get off the ride.