Be Kind to Yourself in First Year! (Especially During COVID-19)

October 22, 2020
By Carrie Pollard, MSW, RSW and Heather Landells, MSW, RSW

You are just over a month into your first term of university, and just as the leaves are changing colour, you have likely experienced many changes as well.  You have now attended many online classes, contributed a few discussion posts, read hundreds(!) of pages in textbooks, and hopefully met new people online or in person.  The first year of university brings about excitement and nervousness because it offers a fresh start and an opportunity to figure out who you want to be.  Experiencing changes to learning and socializing because of COVID-19 will create additional challenges this year.  When faced with struggles, it is natural to get overwhelmed, focus on the negatives, and perhaps even be critical of yourself for not meeting your expectations.  We have some strategies to offer using the framework of ‘Mindful Self-Compassion’ (Neff & Germer, 2018) to help the process of adjusting and adapting to university life while building your own set of personal strengths.

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is the act of offering yourself the same kindness and understanding that you would to someone whom you care about.  Offering compassion to yourself allows you to acknowledge difficulties: it’s hard to meet people; while at the same time figuring out what you need to handle a situation: I should talk to my Don about ways to connect with others.  In this way self-compassion is both validating and motivating.

Expectations for First Year

When you thought about coming to Laurier, what did you imagine?  Perhaps you pictured living with lots of people in residence, making new friends, and possibly breaking away from some of your family’s rules and forging your own life.
But the pandemic has brought unexpected changes to learning and living on campus.  Some of these changes were planned ahead of time, like taking classes remotely, but others were not, such as feeling overwhelmed with the workload or dismayed by how few people you encounter on campus.  You may also be experiencing additional changes unrelated to the pandemic, such as discovering new areas of academic interest.
Some of the changes you will face will be things that didn’t happen at all but were supposed to: for example, expecting to get into the business co-op program but missing the cut-off grade, or close friends getting a house in second year without including you.  Changes related to COVID-19 also cause this: you may have planned celebrations during orientation week, expected to meet new people in your classes, or imagined yourself studying in the library.
Many students have an idea of what their first-year student experience should be, and when it does not meet those expectations, it can negatively impact mood and performance.  Why is this?  When faced with a challenge, it is natural for most people to resist what is happening and focus on what they had expected it to be.  This can increase feelings of frustration, sadness, disappointment, and anxiety.  If this resistance is combined with self-criticism, it will intensify into shame and depression.  As Neff and Germer (2018) defined in their book:

                                                     suffer = pain x resistence

How to use Self-Compassion and Acceptance to Improve your University Experience

The above equation illustrates how resistance intensifies our experience of suffering; however, a new equation could be developed:

                   suffering = (pain x resistance) ÷ (compassion x acceptance)

While this equation may not be mathematically sound, it is psychologically.  It highlights how you can reduce the amount of emotional pain you’re experiencing with the practice of acceptance and self-compassion.  Imagine you expected to live in residence for first year, but instead you are living at home because of remote learning.  The first step would be to acknowledge your feelings (disappointment, relief, loneliness, etc.) with kindness and compassion, and work on accepting the reality of the situation.  The final step might be to identify what you need to cope with this reality, such as connecting with a LOCUS Don (Laurier Off Campus University Students) or joining virtual campus clubs through the Student Union to meet new people.

Developing Personal Strengths and Competencies

University in general, and first year in particular, is a time when you develop new competencies.  There are a wide range of competencies which are practised at this time, such as such as learning how to manage living away from home (booking appointments, making meals, etc. ) and learning how to handle your emotional reactions to various situations, such as maintaining a long-distance romantic relationship, dealing with a challenging course, or tolerating an annoying floor mate.  It is also a time to discover more about your identity and about what you stand for, care about, and value.  It takes time to go through this process, an it’s easy to get discouraged by how long it actually takes.
Many students find themselves wishing that the skills could be developed faster, more completely, or that they can know themselves more fully and authentically.  This again sounds a bit like that dreaded experience of resistance.  Instead, offer yourself compassion by mindfully recognizing the number of changes you’re experiencing, observing that other students are challenged in similar ways, and by acknowledging the strengths you already have.  This will help give yourself patience and time to flourish in university.

The Student Wellness Centre is here for you, if you need support.  For more information about how to meet people and get involved, check out student clubs and associations.  If you need more academic support, contact Writing Services or Study Skills and Course Support.  If you are living away from Waterloo region this year, have a look at our Remote Resources page.