Sexual ABCs

Some of us have had some pretty crappy, complicated, and even traumatic experiences with intimacy and the goal is to create a mutually good time for all parties involved. Next time you’re about to tussle in the sheets, consider the sexual ABCs.

Actions

Try using safe words and/or signals to help establish boundaries.

• Safe words and signals are actions we decide ahead of time to help communicate comfortability, pacing and safety throughout sexual activity.
• It may sound silly but using fruits (i.e grapefruit meaning pause) or traffic lights (red = stop, yellow = slowdown, green = keep going) are super common strategies.
• Sometimes during play our mouths can be full or we’re just struggling to name what we need so signals are great too – consider snaps, body squeezes and taps or claps as methods of communication.
• Safe words don’t need to be serious so get creative and have fun with it! Co-creating pleasure is the name of the game.

Body Language

Did you know that majority of our communication is nonverbal? There are so many ways that we humans communicate without an audible no.

• Shrugs, wincing, moving away, shifty eyes, silence or our bodies freezing up – the list goes on and on. This is why it’s so important to pay attention, pause and check in with our partner(s). 
• Even if our bodies physically respond to stimuli, it doesn’t mean our minds are ready to go. Just because someone is wet or hard doesn’t mean they consent.
• The key to a pleasurable and safe experience is to get curious. Ask each other what your go-to nonverbal cues are and what they mean.
• When we are exploring each other’s bodies, it’s good to gain an understanding of how they work.

Communicate

If you haven’t caught on by now, the common theme here is communication.

• Talking upfront about what feels good, what areas of our bodies are safe to touch, what areas are off limits, our turn ons and offs and what kind of sex we wish to engage in ensures that we all get the sex we want and deserve.
• Think about how you want to feel during (desired, safe, powerful etc.) and after sex (pampered, cuddled, nourished (with a snack and/or water)) and express those needs.
• Pillow talk is a great opportunity to offer up feedback, suggestions, and highlights from the experience. Communication is just as important after sex too.

Remember that intimacy is an ongoing conversation. If pleasure and consent are at the forefront, you’re already on the right track to making sure everyone involved has the best time. Pleasure exists on a continuum and isn’t one size fits all – somedays you may want your nipples touched, other days you may want a rim job and sometimes, you may not want sexy times at all and that’s completely OK. You have the right to choose.

Society doesn’t teach us about our own bodies, the pleasure we deserve or how to express our wants and needs. Remember that the choice should always be yours and communication helps to create shame-free sexual environment for all. While consent is essential, it’s just one ingredient in the recipe for satisfying your sexual appetite.